8/24/15

Let's Get Real

As I am writing this its Sunday night and I just put my kids to bed on their last night of summer break. I've walked around for most of the day with a lump in my throat and my emotions at the surface. Normally I dread the first day of school, but honestly I have been counting down the days since August 1st and that feeling has left me feeling incredibly sad today.

This summer has been rough for many reasons and my attitude has definitely matched. My anxiety is all over the place and feel like there is so much I need to do without the ability to accomplish it. I'm not going to lie because I have made poor food choices this summer it has left me in a bad Hashi's flare up and usually with that also comes anxiety. And with the anxiety comes guilt.

My hubby and kids are all laid back and can just be in the moment. I've written before that this is something that I struggle with. They like to run and laugh and play and just have a good time. I am always looking at the practical and what must be done NOW and can only see beyond to the consequences if things don't go the way I need them to. A control freak I am.

This summer year has been just one of growing, stretching, and learning. The Lord continues to show me over and over how little control I actually have over my life and my family and how I just need to let my grip go and trust Him. I just keep trying and trying to do it all and be it all for my family and frankly I just can't and it wears me down even more. I keep adding more and more to my plate and its burning me out.

I miss blogging. I haven't spent much time with my blog this month because I'm trying to get caught up where I've let my house go which only makes me add more and more to my to do list. I need to organize, but hey I also need to deep clean, but I also need to keep everything picked up, and I need to paint. But then again I also need to do more to pitch in with our finances. I need to book more Usborne parties and seek out other ways to earn money but be flexible to still do what I need to for my family. I need figure our budget out and cut back our grocery bill. But again I need to eat healthy so that my Hashimoto's flare up will get better and I need my family to start eating better. I need to be a better mom and a better wife I have been blowing it so much lately. Plus I have been neglecting friendships and helping my friends. The list in my mind just goes on and on.

In this moment I realize how much I need to take a step back and just breathe. I have stressed myself to the max. None of these expectations have been placed on me by anyone else this is all from me. Well mostly from me I think a lot of it is spiritual warfare.

I have definitely put the Lord on the back burner and pulled Him out only when I felt like I "needed" a little help. That's not the way it works. That's a one sided relationship that makes it all about me me me. Ugh my ugly selfish heart.

I'm so tired of typing out this same thing over and over. I tired of fighting the same battles. Lord I surrender to You. I give up, I'm tired of doing it on my own and being so focused on myself. I just need you.

As I'm writing this post I realized it took a different direction than I had intended, but this is me raw and real. I can't do this anymore I need Jesus. I need to rely on Him and love Him. I don't want to just seek Him to fix my mess I want to be deeply wrapped up in Him. I just want to truly and deeply love Him with all that's in me.

Sorry to go so deep and personal and I honestly have debated hitting publish but maybe there is someone out there like myself desperate and aching for His love and grace. Dear sister we can do this. He hasn't moved or left us we just shifted focus. Join me in putting our sights back on the Creator.

7 comments:

  1. Big hugs to you. Maybe the kids being in school will give you a little time to regroup and take care of you. Hope the kids have a great first day!

    x,
    Esther
    The Cuteness

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  2. I can only imagine how difficult it is to balance work, family, chores, and blogging. Lots of prayers being sent your way during this time! Just remember that God does not test us with more than He thinks we can handle!

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  3. Yes, just make and take time for you. You'll find the right balance. Thinking of you! Stacie xo

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  4. I relate to you so much. Just remember nobody can do it all, even if it seems like they can. Hopefully when school starts you'll be able to feel a little less chaotic.

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  5. Even without kids in my home, I fully recognize the fact that I can't do it all... but do I remember that when I've got 3898474829 things on my to do list? Nope!!

    Thanks for the much needed reminder!

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  6. Just breathe. Big hugs.
    "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22

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  7. I LOVE the deep and personal - you should totally join us for #letsberealtogether, because THIS is what it is all about - being real and vulnerable. Thanks for sharing your heart!

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