Beyond the Blues

Depression. Such an ugly, weighty word. Some experience just glimpses of depressed moods while others it comes in seasons. But there are some of us who live beyond the blues.

Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Chronic depression. The type where some days you want to just dissolve into a fine mist and vanish into thin air. Days where I don't necessarily want to die but just want a break from living.

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this." Perks of Being a Wallflower

That's the best description I've ever seen of how it feels. I wanted to write about so that maybe someone out there knows that they are not alone. Know you aren't a freak.

I hate that I struggle so much with this. This is something that I constantly cry out to the Lord about.

Why did You create me this way? Why did you make me so broken?

I've been sorting this around in my head and also aloud with a couple of close friends. They both basically said the same thing and it was simple yet somewhat profound. I've been pondering them around in my head and trying to make since of it. They said:

This is how the Lord created you. This is a part of your story. Like Paul this is the thorn in your side. I know it hurts and doesn't make since but this is part of your story that He is using ultimately for your good and His glory.

The past few years have been just plain hard. The Lord has pulled of the Band-Aid and exposed wounds. He's pulled away friendships that at the time really really hurt but now I am thankful. He has a way of pulling back all the things we use to shield and cover who we really are. He is pulling me out of myself and my comfort zone and putting me front and center with a mirror to look straight into the person He created and not the person I've shaped myself to be. I have warped His creation into something totally different in an effort to please everyone and not cause any waves.

While He may never miraculously deliver me from my depression He's using it to show me different sides of myself and to depend more and more on Him. He thankfully has given me very wise friends that love on me and speak truth to me.

If your clinging on for dear life as you are getting hammered by waves know you are not alone. Really that's the only advice I have. I don't know you and your story or struggles so I'm not going to heap a bunch of advice on you. Except find someone to talk to that you can be open with about your feelings, even when they aren't all filled with butterflies and rainbows.

Thank you to my friends that are there for me.


  1. Such a brave post. I do not have the same struggle, but I have several dear friends who do. Praying for you.

    Southern Elle Style

  2. Thanks for sharing this and making us more aware of the true struggles that you and so many others are going through. Prayers for you! Stacie xo

  3. May The Lord help you to cope with all your problems!

  4. I am currently struggling ATM as my mum is dyeing, and I am now caring for her at my home until the end. some days its very hard, but just got to keep going! lovely honest post..and nice to see i am not along *sending cyber hugs* xx

  5. Thank you for talking openly and honestly about your struggle. I know it's hard. My oldest sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've seen her struggle and wish more people understood that depression is real.

  6. This is a beautiful post. I think it's hard in Christian circles because some people talk about depression/anxiety as a lack of faith, which it's obviously not. Your friends are wise--I hope their words stick with you!

  7. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement! Just hoping someone reads this and knows they're not alone!