Passionately Curious

I have no great passions. I have no one interest. I'm not really gungho about anything. I haven't found any talents that I'm just overly excited about and want to pursue further. Unless you count napping. I am extremely passionate about naps ha.

But I am a curious person by nature. I like to know things. I haven't gone back to college because I can't decide on a major. I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING!

I have discovered that I am passionately curious.

I love to know about a variety of topics. If we could afford it I would be a professional student. I like stories and information. I'd love to be an expert in everything that peeks my interest.

I like talking to people. I like hearing what drives them, what they're passionate about, what makes them unique. I love to see that spark in someone's eye when the discuss a topic they really care about. I love seeing someone make something with their hands and get excited when other people love their product.

But me I'm just curious. I like to learn new topics, think deep thoughts, and dream. I like asking questions. I'm not an adventurist or a creator or a doer. I'm just curious.

So tell me your story what makes you you? What gets you excited? What sparks a fire deep inside?


Control Freak

I am a control freak. I don't so much like being in charge, I just like things to go my way. I always look at things with a big picture in mind. If you do abc then xyz will or won't happen. I look more at the possible outcome of a scenario then the process to get there. The unknown scares the my to death.

I like a plan. I want to know exactly what is going to happen. The problem with life though is that things don't always go according to plan. Especially if you are married and have kids. You've got these other people in life that are constantly ruining your plans or who don't care that life as we know it could unravel at the seams if they don't go to bed when mom says.

The hardest part of this whole parenting gig for me is letting go of control. Not that I'm saying that you should let your kids run around like wild banshees but that as they grow we have to learn to loosen our grip. My husband is definitely the laid back type. We balance each other so well and he is constantly having to remind me to quit being so controlling with our kids.

Our kids are growing so fast and now they are at the age where the must start learning how to make their own choices. The have to be responsible for their choices they make and own the consequences for making the wrong choice. But they can't do that if mom is constantly standing over them telling them every little thing to do.

Controlling can and most likely will lead to resentment. The more I try to force them into a mold or make the decisions I think they should make the more likely that when they are older they will grow to resent me.

As a mom I'm learning that my role is shifting to guiding then directing. The difference in guiding and directing is that when you guide someone you encourage them in the direction they should go whereas directing you are telling them where to go.

Right now I am basically having to step back, take a deep breath, and look at the situation. No the world won't fall apart if they want to stay up a bit longer to finish watching a show with daddy, and life as we know it won't collapse if they have a different opinion than I do.

Moving from the drivers seat to the passenger seat is hard hard hard. But I want my children to grown into productive adults and the only way they are able to do so is if I let go of the reigns. I want to show my children that I care about who they are and that I am here to help. If they mess up I will help them deal with the consequences, help brush them off, and guide them back on their way. If I keep trying to force my will and opinion on them they could miss out on the opportunities of God's will for their lives.

Do you struggle with control as a parent? What has helped you let go of that control and give your kids grace instead?


Cooking Fail

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw this go down the other day. If not here it is.. I was cooking supper and listening to a podcast, and as I was chopping vegetables I thought oh this will make an amazing Instagram pic. So I stopped snapped the pic and uploaded it.

Next I tossed some chicken on the grill and decided to snap and post another pic. I mean supper was going great. Everything was smelling good and I was proud because it was healthy. Hubby was going to be home from work soon and boy was he in for a treat.

So there I was feeling all cocky and confident. Awesome mom and wife for cooking an amazing and healthy supper, awesome blogger for utilizing social media, and was also being frugal because I had chopped enough for there to be left overs for lunch for a couple of days. Frugal ninja! Then this happened...
My pink Himalayan salt is in a plastic grinder. As I was grinding some salt in the veggies it busted and salt went all over the place! See all that pink in the skillet? That's salt! I cleaned it up off the stove, counters, and floor (and my bra) but still didn't know what to do about the veggies. I didn't want to toss them because it was a lot of food and didn't really have enough time to find something else to cook. So you know what I did? I. Didn't. Say. A. Word. I scooped out as much salt as I could and fixed everyone's plates. I was hoping no one would notice. The kids ate supper and didn't say anything. I was silently screaming yay I'm going to get away with it. In my head I was singing and dancing to "Can't Touch This", because I must be a bad mamajamma to pull this off. Then hubs started eating his veggies.
He looked up and asked what was wrong with the veggies and I just gave him a look like what I have no idea what you're talking about. He asked why it was so salty. I could no longer hold it together under his tough interrogation skills and broke. I told him the story of what happened. He wasn't surprised at all. So needless to say the veggies got dumped along with my pride.
Lesson learned #stayhumble


Finding My Blogging Niche

I've talked quite a bit lately about finding myself and searching for my blogging voice. Originally I had planned for this blog to be about natural health and wellness, but learning about that is only a part of who I am. The more I think about it the more I want to tell my entire story. I am by no means an expert in natural remedies or nutrition but I do want to continue sharing what I'm learning along the way, but there have been several moments behind the scenes that have led me to the fact that I do not want to be a natural wellness blogger. I just want to write. I just want my voice to come alive. That may mean that blog stats don't rise like I want them to but I'm finding that my confidence is.

I had some advice from other successful bloggers on what makes a good posts and mainly they discussed teaching something to your readers. Well I'm sorry but I have nothing to teach you. I have nothing to say that hasn't been said a million times over in the blog world. You won't find any new or grand information here, but what you will find is me. Me just being me, sorting through life and learning about things that interest me and what makes me laugh, cry, and just what makes up my life.

The more I think about this new writing path the happier it makes me. I know there are many successful bloggers out there and its so easy to compare myself to them and try to shape this blog around that and try to be like them, but I want to stay true to myself.

I'm smiling more and feeling somewhat liberated as I figuring out this writing journey. Thanks for hanging on with me!


Substitute Teaching

My kids started a new school in January and I applied to be a substitute teacher. Let me tell you subbing ain't for the faint of heart! I've subbed several times now but the first time I subbed each grade level they tried to get away with as much as possible. I think I have finally found my groove though. I try to be pretty laid back but they have learned that I do mean business. The hardest class for me to deal with is 9th grade though because that's the grade my sister is in and the boys in that class have a hard time taking me seriously, but its getting better.

My mom has been an aide at that school for 2 years and my sister has gone to that school for 3 years so the kids are just getting to know me and my kids. It kills me though the things they try to pull with a sub. I get all sorts of random questions, I'm 99% sure they aren't that interested in my life, but I'm 100% sure they are just trying to delay class. Here are some of their random questions:

Hey what's your teacher name?
This one stumped me for a second then I figured out they were trying to find out my last name.

Mrs. Payne what's the worst fight you've ever seen?
Ummm moving on

Mrs. Payne why is your last name different from your mom's?
Because I'm married

Mrs. Payne do you live with your mom?
Ummm no I live with my husband

Well do you live close to your mom?
Sort of

(Though I'd stop here to let you know that these are high school students asking these questions)

Mrs. Payne do you play clash of clans?
No I Pinterest

Mrs. Payne you must really like kids huh?
Well I like MY kids I don't tend to really like other people's kids

Mrs. Payne where is our teacher?
Oh she was kidnapped, I don't know they don't tell me that kind of stuff

Mrs. Payne are you in college or did you finish college? (I have been asked this by every single grade)
Nope sure didn't

Mrs. Payne how did you know that if you didn't go to college?
It's called reading

There are many many more that I could go on with. There are some kids that I really like and enjoy talking to and there are some that when I know they are coming to class I have to meditate and sprinkle holy water all over the place before they get there but all in all it hasn't been terrible. Anyway Forrest Gump said it best, "that's all I have to say about that".


Writing Can Be Hard

Writing can be really hard. I have some many thoughts swirling around my head that I can't seem to get down on paper (or on screen). I have so many blog posts that I have written in my mind while I am in the shower, laying in the bed, or driving but then I sit down to get them written and I just can't seem to get the words to come out. Partly because I am a perfectionist and it never seems good enough.

We are in such a great season in life and I wanting to share. Things aren't going perfectly but there is so much that I'm leaning, things that are changing me. I am slowly becoming the person I was created to be and starting to relax into that more and more. But trying to get it down in writing is another thing. I am coming to see more and more that writing is the path I am meant to take. There is something about the written word that has always soothed my soul and being a writer has always been that dream of mine that I have never really spoken out loud. I find myself lately expressing that dream to people. I want to be a writer. I think somewhere deep down there is a writer just itching to get out.

Bear with me as I am digging deep to find her.